3 Things Therapy Taught Me About Relationships

I have always been honest about going to therapy. I think it’s important for everyone to consider it. Sometimes relying too much on friends and family advice can come off biased and unclear. The premise of most of my therapy visits came from my current relationships and not knowing how to handle the hurdles that came with it. One hour sessions once a week, on and off, for perhaps the past 8 years has taught me many things about myself and the newfound perception I have on people. I’m excited to become more open about this topic, but for now I want to bring up the main points of lessons I learned in therapy about relationships.

1.     How to Communicate

In arguments, I used to say the following:

                  “I feel like you never listen to me!”

                  “I feel like you don’t give a fuck!”

The base of all of my arguments came from a place of aggravation, resentment, and manipulation. I can admit that. I didn’t know how to communicate my anger to my significant other without purposely making them feel how angry I felt, regardless on whose fault it was. I learned that when communicating said feelings it’s important to understand why you’re upset and then explain it without attacking. For example:

                  “It makes me angry and sad when I tell you how my day is and you look at your phone. It makes me feel like I’m not that important to you.”

2.     The Perfect Partner Test

I remember being in this relationship I just felt like I couldn’t get out of. I was stuck on the potential of my partner and the idea that things would get better in time. I had fell in love with this idea so early on that I thought in no time, he would become this perfect partner.

So, my therapist gave me a worksheet. It was called the Perfect Partner Test. It was made up of sentences that you would fill in the blanks to. So, for example:

My Perfect Partner would say _______________ when I’m having a bad day.

My Perfect Partner will _________________ & ________________ & ______________ to make me happy.

My Perfect Partner is _________________________ to my friends and family.

My Perfect Partner is _____________, _______________, ________________.

Obviously, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, but the worksheet organizes the standards you have in a relationship. If your current partner does not mirror the ideas you have for what a perfect partner should be then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.  

3.     Defining Sex

When people choose to have sex it’s for many different reasons:

-        It’s their love language

-        To release stress

-        To celebrate & feel happy

-        Distraction (substitute for an addiction)

-        Show their attraction

I’ve met girls who can go days without having sex and some that can’t go a day without it. I’ve met guys who can have sex anywhere any time of the day, and some who would rather do it when the moment just comes to them. Sex is different for everyone and it’s important to learn what it means to your partner.

I knew a girl who loved having sex with her boyfriend, but he didn’t feel the need to do it every single day. After a while she started to feel like he didn’t love her the same way she loved him. Her love language was physical affection and his love language was providing. Situations like this, if not talked about, can lead to huge arguments and self-doubt. Understanding how you define sex versus how your significant other does can help in the long run.

I hope this article puts things into perspective for you and you apply the things I learned into your relationship (if needed.)

Are there any tips you recommend or any love advice you have? I really want to know. Leave it in the comments below or feel free to email me personally. I love receiving them!